I know you see things differently but I don’t ask for much. On this day I feel that I have some simple advice I’d like to extend to you [INSERT NAME] in order to help me enjoy my holiday.
1. Buy Flowers. Flowers are a good start. Go out, find a florist, and have them there when I wake up. I don’t care if they match. They’re not my bridesmaids. But buy them yourself.
2. Let me sleep. How long? Long enough to inconvenience you. I don’t want cards, I don’t want smiles, I don’t want to be surprised by a bunch of screaming kids or some ridiculous heart-shaped pancakes you made. Around 11:30, sneak in, put a cup of hot coffee next to my bed, and silently leave.
3. Clean the house. And don’t just put s**t away. Do laundry. Clean the fridge. Google “toilet brush” and figure out how to actually use it. (At least, if pressed for time, spritz some Fantastik in the air so I think you did. I’ll still appreciate the gesture)
4. Throw out the magazines on the back of the toilet. It’s okay. Maxim and Sport’s Illustrated will never know. (Unless you want me to start leaving Men’s Health magazines around with the abs circled in red Sharpee [which is fine])
So forget whatever you bought at [INSERT LOCAL NAIL SALON] or [LOCAL HALLMARK STORE]. I don’t want it. And if the [KIDS/KID/PET EVEN THOUGH IT'S REALLY YOU] have something special for me, I’ll like it just as much, even more, after lunch.
Which should be about when I get out of bed.
That’s not too much to ask, is it? (Please note I don’t really care about your answer)